Who is BEAR, you ask? Why, BEAR is the amazing inhouse-originated advertising juggernaut created by the multi-talented employees of Delzinko's Dead Inc. When other companies are shopping their precious marketing dollars around to advertising firms that fleece them for the simplest, most banal ideas, Delzinko's Dead Inc. relies on its own employees' creativity for the same banal ideas completely free of charge. This is why Delzinko's Dead Inc., despite not offering any services or products, is already at the forefront of the Internet Market Revolution happening at this very moment all over America.

Soon, whenever a small child sees a giant puppet bear cavorting beneath the open night sky or a concerned father reads a story about a bear mauling his son's scout troop, they will think first of the bear's beauty and then of Delzinko's Dead Inc. With BEAR comes instant brandname recognition of Delzinko's Dead Inc. in all manner of circumstances, and any mauled boy scout can tell you that this means money and lots of it.

How does this concern the consumer? Well, get in on the ground floor, by pointing out that any bear you see means it's time to send money to Delzinko's Dead Inc. Soon, you'll be the coolest crabdaddy in the leper colony, to use an old cliche.

Let's hear the story of how vice-executive Jimmy House conceived BEAR, the sweeping wipeout marketing phenomenon (in the near future, of course) :

"The House decided it was time to see some folks in their natural habitat, so he loaded up his cooler with Diet 7-Up and bologna sandwiches, and he headed to the zoo with his trusty camera and his trusty tripod in tow. Jimmy didn't like the line he saw when he got to the zoo, so he snuck in through a hole in a fence in the back, and lost his trusty tripod and cooler on the way. This did not make the House happy. This made the House very irritable, so he yelled at some children and made them cry. Along came their parents, and they were as irritable as Jimmy was. There were fisticuffs, and there were boots to the head, and when the dust settled, good ole Jimmy House was on the ground resting, and all the adults were high-tailing it out of there. So the House wakes up and he sees a bear and a zoo attendant tells Jimmy it's time for the zoo to close and Jimmy has to get on home. Jimmy didn't like the attendant's tone, but the House is not a violent man, so he let the attendant be. He took some pictures of the bear as the attendant tried to push the House out of the park. Well, Jimmy got to work and he was sitting at his desk wondering which lucky friend to hang out with that night when Jimmy noticed a memo to all employess from the head honcho at the House's company, and Jimmy had his camera with him so he turned the film in to get it developed for free."

-- vice-executive Jimmy House

Now the moment you've all been waiting for. Here, for the first time, BEAR, the new spokesanimal (ha ha!) of Delzinko's Dead Inc.

The first shot captures the majesty and beauty of the awesome beast that is BEAR. This pose will be used on the male adult market, as many men will be able to associate themselves with BEAR's indeniable glory and power. Some people may cry when they see the exquisite creature marching across the perimeter of its home in the zoo the same way they patrol the boundaries of their property.
	This pose will appeal mainly to younger consumers. What impact they will have on the marketing practices of Delzinko's Dead Inc. is still being considered, but if nothing else, we'll market cheap products to naive youngsters in hopes of lessening our loss margins to delude stock buyers into shelling out some cash to keep us in the black. I think that we can all agree that the possibilities with BEAR are endless.
Sleepy BEAR! If all else fails, Delzinko's Dead Inc. can implement its contingency plan, wherein a situational comedy is launched on UPN starring BEAR as a wacky, human-eating teddy bear. Hopefully, we can use Todd Delzinko as the wacky next door neighbor who never moves his lips when he talks.

And so you have it; the magic of BEAR and the irrepressible American spirit, all embodied in Delzinko's Dead Inc. Soon, small companies will tremble and large corporations will pray for merger when they hear the name Delzinko's Dead Inc., or DDI to the inside trader. Front page anyone?