Our CEO is growing up so you knew it had to happen. Of course, he's still nowhere near as bad as Todd; every time Todd left the house, the police and excessive vomitting came into play. With Fritz, things remained a tad calmer, but not by much! Now that it's all blown out of proportion, prepare to experience:
Due to my status as the low-entity on the totem, I, Herbert the Faceless Employee, got to accompany Fritz on his excursion. We don't let him out much because we don't want the real world to cloud the judgment of the guiding force of Delzinko's Dead Inc. One time we gave him a puppy and he ordered us to give all of our desks and papers to homeless people so don't think we're overreacting; the real world drives people a little mad.
Here's Fritz with his new friend we bought for him that day. He was wearing a 'Saliva' shirt when he arrived, but we're trying to keep Fritz convinced that it's 1992 so we slapped a Metallica shirt on him. Then we kicked him around a little so that he wouldn't realize Fritz thought it was 1992. Unfortunately, we underestimated the new guy and he beat up six valuable DDI employees, including Vice Executive Jimmy House who kept screaming, "I had something in my eye so I couldn't see him hitting me! I was running towards an orphanage that was on fire, not away! I just wanted to save some little kids from the embers of death!" as they loaded him into the ambulance.
Fritz named his new friend 'Hiraku' after a turtle he used to have. I took them to the store.
Due to all the worship and genuflection Fritz encounters on a daily basis in the Delzinko's Dead Inc. offices, he lacks most of the social graces that make society function. For instance, he sees something he wants and he takes it without hesitation. He's like an untamed beast (and he's single and CEO of a company that's almost successful)! Hiraku wouldn't sample the wares because he thought we needed to pay. I considered slapping him around a little, but then remembered the brutal way he snatched Televar's crowbar away and pummeled him with it.
Everything seemed to be going well. Then, tragedy struck:
It still cracks me up a little bit to think about it. "Look, Hiraku!" shouted Fritz "I'm going to climb this ladder all the way to the moon!" Hiraku laughed and agreed heartily, not realizing that Fritz was serious. He was, however, and as he reached the top of the ladder, he kept trying to climb, thinking aloud, "I don't see the moon anywhere around here." With nothing to hold onto, he tottered at the top of the ladder, then fell back, landing with a sick thump at it's base. Hiraku was shocked, but I leapt into action immediately, pulling my camera out of its bag and snapping a shot for posterity.
I figured Fritz was a goner so Hiraku and I dragged him to a pile of leaves and buried him there. We found him six days later wandering the streets in a daze; it turns out he wasn't dead at all! Everyone was happy Fritz had survived the fall, but they also felt sad because we'd blamed Hiraku and he'd been taken to the big house. We all tried to remember which prison he'd been sent to, but we couldn't so we dropped the issue. Besides, the boss was back, the vacation was over and it was time to get back to work!
