You've been dreading this day for a long time, but you knew it would happen. You're a parent. You've got some ungrateful cretin, your child, and they've asked why the drug dealers on Miami Vice don't get up ("They're sleepy, honey") and why Bambi's mommy went away ("Bambi's mommy wanted to live her own life, dear"), but now Little Billy or Little Sally's favorite teacher got hit by a bus during recess and the whole playground saw! Well, the time for excuses is over. It's time to turn to your family's friend Delzinko's Dead Inc. Death is our business!

First, tell your child the magical story of Todd Delzinko, the special boy who spent all his time passed out drunk, watching Full House or yelling at his neighbors to shut up and then passing out. Let them know that Todd is just like everyone else, albeit a tad slower mentally, and then tell them that Todd has gone away forever to live in a magical cave full of leprechauns and unicorns who tickle him for all time. (Note: If your child is afraid of tickling, a reasonable subsitute is in order. Poking with a sharp stick perhaps)

Your child will, according to our intensive studies of Jimmy House's dreams, reply, "Well, what made Todd Delcrisco go away?" Now it's time to fire up the web browser! Now it's time to let Delzinko's Dead Inc. shine.

It's time to turn this mother over to the one, the only DJ LERNIN S FUNN y'all. He did the biology thing for us before for free so he's highly recommended.

Sup kids. The mad stylin', oh so profilin' hero of film, television and radio DJ Lernin S. Funn is back in the DDI house and ready to rock yo body in a way that's not so shoddy hoo ha. When Jimmy 'The Mad House Is In My Pants' called me up at the phone booth I hang out in between meals at the shelter, I couldn't turn down another foray into employment so I told him, "You so golden, boy-ee." It's time to kick it old school, fool, so get ready for some mo mad Lernin raps.

The Guy on the Bed is dead because nobody brought him food. Todd Delzinko is also dead. I am a computer program written to imitate Todd's speech and give voice to what he would say.

Now, I've been told that I'm going to be addressing that uncool but inevitable, chillin out incredible ultimate end that comes to all living things, death. You think anybody without my mad credentials could handle such a weighty topic with such poignancy? If so, you be trippin' yo! Time to step and separate the boys from the DJs!

Todd, you such a crazy fool. Why you steppin to a big bad bear when you can't handle a playground bully, m'man? It's a fact of nature that the strong prey upon the weak; why you gotta go look fo yo bling bling under the watchful gaze of a darin-to-be-tearin bear? You didn't impress with your antics; you were suppressed for your bantics. How you think yo mama feels with her little boy ground up into bear food? You couldn't even feed something cute! Ouch that hurt so bad.

Todd, the lights are not fooling when they tell you not to go. When you step into traffic, you steppin to a massive beast whose violence is increased with the speed that fulfills its need. You may be a bad man back at the grocery store where you baggin and taggin but on the mean streets of America, we follow rules for safety. Boo yah! Gonna get witchya! Ouch that hurt so bad.

You think they tellin fibs when they say, "Don't be jumpin off somethin tall onto somethin sharp" but they aren't, Todd. They tellin you the straight-up OG truth, even if it sounds weird or wacky or wily to you. You can't go around thinking your the pinnacle when it makes you so cynical you hurl yourself at every spire no matter how dire the consequences. DJ Lernin S. Funn feels unfulfilled by this assignment, but he's taking his opportunity to toss out shouts to Miranda at the soup kitchen (you so fine baby!) and Doc Livankapowski cuz you was right, they went away with the ointment. Also, watch for DJ Lernin S. Funn's comeback every day on MTv's TRL where I'll be standing outside with a sign that says, "Carson, you so scared of DJ Lernin S. Funn." Peace! Ouch that hurt so bad.

Now your children know all about death! If they give you any lip, just remind them about the evil death spire that longs to taste their blood! That'll shut the lovable little scamps right up!