What brought the desperate duo of Jimmy House and the Godfather, whose fiery passions were out of control, together? What motivated their union at a dingy restaurant in the heart of downtown Swenton? Why is Jimmy House afraid of plastic forks? All this, and more, in
Jimmy House vs. the Godfather
The door burst open, raining splinters on the seated Godfather. He lifted his gaze angrily, one hand dropping to the shotgun stowed next to his seat. A figure stepped through the doorway and looked threateningly at Godfather, so Godfather pulled out his shotgun and blew him away. His carpet was ruined.
The next day, Jimmy "The Mad Stylin' Hizzouse" House arrived, toting his carpet cleaning gear. He got to work right away, scrubbing at the stains that covered the carpet. Godfather watched Jimmy's work approvingly.
"Hey, carpet cleaner. What you are cleaning up is the result of the fiery passions of the Godfather," commented the Godfather.
"Very nice," retorted the House. "Just because I work for my uncle, I get to hear about how you're weird in the head and you like to shoot people occasionally."
"I like you, kid. You got lip and other qualities a criminal mastermind would never realistically value. You ever thought of getting into other businesses?" asked Godfather.
"The name's Jimmy. Jimmy House. The House, man," responded Jimmy sullenly. The blood had stained his new shoes a somber shade of purple.
Godfather laughed heartily. "Well, Mr. The House, let me extend an offer to you. I will make you my second-in-command. Your responsibilities will include dating desirable women, destroying my enemies and leaving stains similar to the one you are cleaning up, and driving nice cars. Very nice, shiny, clean cars. Your passions are required to be fiery."
The House shook his head and stood up. He dropped his carpet-cleaning rag and his carpet-cleaning soap and looked in utter disgust at Godfather. He lifted one foot from the intestine-encrusted carpet and pointed at it.
"Let the House weave a story for you, Don Godfather," Jimmy told the ribald king of crime. "It begins with the House in a house far away from all the demands and desires of modern society. You see, when Jimmy needs to get away from it all, he heads into the woods into a small cabin that he finds very comforting and isolated. Anyway, the House was at this cabin, and he was enjoying his solitude very much, whiling away the hours whittling or whistling or something of that sort, and a very large group of people decided that they would cohabitate in the cabin with the House. They were the Smiths and they said they owned Jimmy's refuge, the beautiful cabin in the woods. Now, Jimmy knew that they didn't own it because when he stumbled upon it, guided by revelation and fate and somber destiny, he was so drunk he didn't even know which way was up. If you are that drunk, does it not then follow that what you find is yours? You couldn't find your own mother's ancestral homeland of Reveille, Portugal, and you discover a very wonderful cabin. The House knew it was his, so he set about thrashing the eldest Jones about the head and shoulders, and what does this 70 year old man have the audacity to do? Fake a heart attack! Now, Jimmy's really peeved and he yells expletives at the Smiths, who are all cowering and looking very panicked because they know they've upset the House and his wrath will not be abated. Eventually, they drag the old man away and drive off, into obscurity, and you know, Mr. Godfather, what this makes Jimmy House? Jimmy House is Legend."
Godfather awoke from his nap and wondered why Jimmy House was still in his office. He reached for his shotgun, but Jimmy House reached quicker, and picked up his carpet-cleaning soap. With a feral cry, the House hurled a handful of abrasive pellets into Godfather's eyes. Blinded, Godfather fell out his chair and hit his head on his shotgun, knocking himself out.
Victorious, Jimmy set about once more scrubbing the gore out of the carpet. In his head, Jimmy House wrote a very beautiful song about spiders who shoot X-rays.
