Now who will talk on the phone and bang on the piano?

Here is an open forum wherein all those individuals or entities previously connected in some fashion with Todd Delzinko will be allowed to air their grievances about his sudden and untimely death. We commisioned a very well known poet to write us a tract celebrating the lives of Todd Delzinko/Chad Waddell, but we couldn't understand what he wrote composed. Instead, we cancelled the poet's check and launched an inhouse contest here at Delzinko's Dead Inc. to find the most moving memorial. Following are the three finalists:

TODD DELLZINKO & HIS LIL FRIEND CHAD WADDELL

One day I was in the park with my dog and I saw Todd Dellzinko and his lil friend Chad Waddell coming along. They were playing frizbee with some orphans. I was all like, "Wow, those are really great guys and I wish I could hang out with them." Then there was a big fire in a restaurant and Todd Dellzinko put the fire out with his body and Chad Waddell got a whole bunch of nuns out of the fire. They were all praying and saying hallejulah and Chad Waddell just smiled and said, "Hey, nuns, be cool." Todd Dellzinko then got some hamburgers from the burnt down restaurant and fed the orphans and the nuns and some inner city youths who came to the park. We all had a big barbecue and I am sad that the world will no longer have Todd Dellzinko and Chad Waddell to be nice to nuns and orphans anymore!

-- by Gregory L. Philipps
Butterflies of the Magical Wind Whistle

Butterflies of all colors
scoot across the sky,

Where they go, you know,
is a mystery to I.

But somewhere across the land
there is a giant tree.

Full of life and flavor
where butterflies be.

When you or I die
maybe we'll see

The holiest places,
and the butterflies' tree.

-- by Annabelle Sapulpa Targon
Untitled

Sadness was like a giant tarp
that fell on the world's head
when Chad and Todd died
separately, but so close
that a hole was in the
the heart of the world.

Everyone asked everyone
how it happened
and WHY
but nobody knew.
Not even the prime minister.

Chad and Todd.
Todd and Chad.
They left their respective indelible
marks upon a world
that could not understand them.

Now
why can't Jimmy get a date?
Jimmy's lonely.
Somebody hook Jimmy up.

-- by vice-executive Jimmy House

Now that the employees of Delzinko's Dead Inc. have expressed their incomprehensible sorrow, let's turn to those who actually know Delzinko and, sometimes, Chad, and see how much more heartache and sentimentality we can wring out of these senseless tragedies.

 

Sheridan
Sheridan

 "Chaddums Waddellinorre was a wonderful, bright star in the galaxy of my life; sometimes that distant star talked a little too much or would vomit on my designer shoes, but all in all, I could ignore the more abrasive, less persuasive behaviors of the many-pronged harbringer of Waddellinification worldwide. When you deal with the more circumfluous citizens of our society, a good ole boy who made grand and married the prom queen was a nice change of pace from critical criminals and undesirable debutantes. Chad the Mad was a man I was proud to include on my Cloud Nine of Perpetual Pleasure."

 

Bean the Smart Cat

 "When Bean the Smart Cat am hearing news of many sorrowful deaths, Bean almost shedding a tear to go along with silky hair. Then Bean am hearing that Todd Delstupido am dead and Bean am celebrating and breaking out many kitty treats! Good for many peoples of world when Delstupido am rotting daily! Bean can be being smart cat without bothersome Todd around."

 

Lloyd

 "Lloyd wash potatoes! Lloyd eat potatoes! Lloyd! Lloyd! Potatoes wash Lloyd eat."

 

Orbephat

 "Bahhh! Mortals die daily when Orbephat the Evil Ameba reckons their time is due. When I feel like punching a card, I will, and then I laugh gleefully at the chaos and discontent my actions have caused. The pitiful individuals sliced down by Death's scythe should be gleeful they did not feel the bitter sting of my bestial rage once I inevitably attained pre-eminence as master of all the universe. In death, Chad Waddell and evil-like Todd Delzinko escaped unavoidable suffering at the hands of the robot monster of Orbephat the Evil Ameba! Pray for a similar fate since I will own all of you when my malicious machinations come to fruition. You will all feast on the spoilt fruit of agony. Gerbleah."

 

Jones

 Jones could not be reached beyond a cryptic e-mail message he replied with when we notified him of the deaths of Todd Delzinko and Chad Waddell. Here it is, in case it was his memorial for the two of them:

"I have risen from the stinking cesspool of Helsinki to become head demon. STOP. Soon, my bottle lid factory will take off, and be staffed by talking dolphins. STOP. If you want in on the ground floor of this opportunity, please send me cigars, brandy, and Corn Chex ASAP. STOP. I seem to have misplaced my magical boots so the goatpeople can see me. I have to escape. I will flee them and meet with you behind your house under the porch. STOP. Viva ma chien! STOP."