When I was born, my father placed two jars at the head of my bed. One was full of pennies; the other empty. Every morning, my father would take one penny from the full jar and place it in the empty jar. Soon, I was old enough to carry out this ritual, and I did so. Finally, at the tender age of 12, I asked my father what the purpose was. He said simply, "If you do not move a penny to the other jar, you will know you are dead." My father was a very wise man but it wasn't always obvious.

I have been given a thankless task, but I am thankful for it. There is, in every challenge, the opportunity for growth. As soon as I was made aware of the demands to be made on me, I fled the building. I cannot think when my environment is bound by artificial constructs. I must be in the open so I went out on the roof. There was a sun bather there. The sun bather said, "I love the sun. It is so warm and wonderful." These words resonated in my soul as I made my way into the small rooftop shed I call my home. I had forgotten to move my penny that morning.

After my ritual had been completed, I kneeled before a photograph of my poor father, whom I had never met. Mother told me so many stories about him, but they rang hollow without ever seeing his smile or hearing him compliment my leaf-raking. Eisenhower always loved the leaf-rakers.

Delzinko's Dead Inc. has been good to me so I determined to be equally good to it. Unfortunately, as the sun bather had said, you can't be good to a noncorporeal commercial entity. Therefore, I went into the closet in Fritz's office where the charter of the company was kept and I complimented it repeatedly. It may have yellowed and crumbled a tad, but it was still aging amazingly well.

Finally, it was time for me to begin work on the assignment I'd been given. I forgot what it was so I went and pretended to be a coat rack in Jimmy House's office. I overheard his devious schemes and knew that he had to be stopped; to that end, I pretended to be a small desk.

Having halted the House's nefarious plots, I remembered the words of the sun bather. Determined to prove the sun bather wrong, I searched the Internet until I had established that I was not, after all, a descendant of lemurs. My family was strictly a mixture of ocelots and British landed royalty. My father was a Duke in Wensington and he never let me forget the fact that I had to learn to bend the serfs to my will. Still, the irony of "I will" haunts me.

Annabelle asked me to look at pictures she had made but I refused. There was something frightening in her eyes; a longing for beef, perhaps. I will not traffick with those who long for beef. It is their perogative but they must realize that every time they eat beef, they are consuming the beasts who raised me from infancy.

Fritz came to me then and he told me I was the last hope of his company. He gestured at Jimmy and Annabelle's offices and dismissed them as the useless husks of humanity they were. They do, we conceded, have some positive qualities, but not many and all of them were available in the most common breed of dog. Fritz said that my current job was vital to the continuation of DDI because the other two could never hope to succeed. I promised Fritz my best work; how could I refuse him? My father had also been a 13 year old CEO.

Alas, I knew then what I had to do. I stormed back out onto the roof and I said unto the sun bather, "Though you despise the sun, it is the salvation of my employer!" Then I kicked them out of their chair and threw it off the roof. They fled, but not before inspiring in me the answer to DDI's woes:

Meet Todd Delzinko, the new sun. Billions of people see the sun every day; what better way to spread awareness of our product? Delzinko's Dead Inc. is redeemed! Televar the Deluded Sycophant signing off.