| There is a certain sense of the inevitable here at Delzinko's Dead, Inc. Eventually, we all know that this business will be a rousing success, stunning every analyst who's never heard of us and frightening every business that tried to gobble us up when we were small. We will rise to the top without dealing with the devil or bribing government officials; it will happen simply because we are the best. |
| However, not everyone is bright enough to grasp our admittedly complex train of thought. These people feel the need to repeatedly inform us that we are doomed, since we don't offer goods or services. Basically, since we don't conform to their idea of what a "business" should be. These narrow-minded people want to share with us, and we decided to share with you, our customer, to ease any nagging doubts you have about DDI's welfare. |
| Our critics' text is in the stupid color of blue. Our responses will be in the wisest color, red. |
| DDI. After perusing your website, I am sorry to say that your employee base constitutes the worst assemblage of workers in the history of the United States of America, and possibly in the history of France too. During a routine examination of all commercial websites registered with the Canadian Mounted Police, I was shocked. At least two of your employees are currently wanted by police agencies. Almost all of them have skeletons in their respective closets. Each employee's major trespasses are in turn examined below. 1. Jackson Blaine - Currently wanted in regards to a botched liquor store hold-up, wherein he assaulted and viciously beat two robbers who made him break a bottle of Corn Chip Schnapps. Also wanted for questioning in the sound thrashing of a Kentucky man who was last seen handing out pamphlets about a phone dating service before being discovered in a culvert and air-lifted to a nearby hospital. Blaine is apparently prone to fits of unimaginable rage. 2. Jimmy "The Mad House" House - Warrants issued for fraudulent business practices, fraudulent advertising, fraudulent roofing material dispensing, and fraudulent bus driving credentials. Jimmy House has been a driving force for chaos in the back-stabbing world of modern carpet-cleansing, but he has never, as the carpet-cleansing vernacular goes, "lost his smile or his will to swindle a customer." 3. Annabelle Targon - One time singing sensation 'Lusty McBisquick' changed her name and moved to Cagary, Alberta to avoid an IRS inspection of her finances. Apparently, her career didn't take off and she didn't make any money at all from her albums and wanted this fact to escape everyone's notice. Probably not qualified as a Marketing Specialist since she never completed the fourth grade. 4. Televar the Deluded Sycophant - The self-proclaimed 'Final Alchymist' has swindled hundreds of people out of thousands of dollars, claiming he possessed the philosopher's stone and that, furthermore, he would use it to paint their homes in half an hour. Since he dabbed some pink water paint on the houses, he didn't technically break the law and, hence, escaped scot-free. The master of semantics is, inappropriately, DDI's head accountant. 5. Gregory L. Philipps - Not so much a wrong doer in the traditional sense as an anti doer. Greg achieved what little fame he had writing articles for the now defunct Grabby the Bull's Actuarial Repository, which violated the good taste but not any laws on the books. However, he sued his own website and won, putting them out of business. He's repeated the process for four more websites, typically dedicated to actuarial issues, since then. I assume he plans to do the same for DDI. He fits right in with the rest of the staff. 6. Fritz Morcheeba Delzinko - Although Fritz hasn't done anything questionable yet, I find it very disturbing that he would choose to promulgate the 'Delzinko' name. So you see, your company is being carried on the backs of the sort of people society condemns. I hope you will take steps to rectify this situation. Canadian Mounted Police Officer Jake Robesquierre |
| Thanks for the heads up, Jake! Your letter was a wake-up call! We'll get right to work implementing your non-existent suggestions and firing everyone you have a personal vendetta against! In fact, right after we fire Jackson Blaine, we'll send him to consult with you on his future job opportunities! You're doing a great job. |
| I have been looking at these
pages for about four minutes and I have noticed that
there are lots of typos and examples of improper grammar.
I noticed on one of the pages that someone did have the
job of proofreader, and I was wondering why they couldn't
do their job. Maybe you should give me their job because
I have found lots of mistakes and I'm not even
professionally trained. GiantBabaGirl |
| I let our ace proofreader
Jackson Blaine know about your complaints and told him
that you plan on taking his job. He issued the following
press release: "Now, you listen to me SE (scum of the Earth) and you listen good. Just because you find some mistakes does not make you bettr than I am at my job. I am an EP (experienced proofreader) and you need to remember that. I was there proofreading in the bunkers during the PGF (Persian Gulf flare-up) and I'll be there proofreading into the next millenium and beyond. Now shove off and shut up, idiot, before I smash your face in." |
| Delzinko's Dead, Inc. I am writing to inform you that you are presently displaying a photograph featuring my personage in a compromising position with one of the young lads whose deaths you so boisterously proselytize about. Attached is the picture I ask that you graciously remove in case someone looks at the website and actually sees it. Thank you very much for your time and effort, anonymous |
| Now this is refreshing. Rather than threaten a lawsuit for our presentation of a photograph that the writer doesn't approve of, 'anonymous' simply requests that we take down the picture and move into the future free of hate and cumbersome legal issues. However, I checked with our legal department, and Billy is relatively certain that we can't be sued by someone named 'anonymous' so the picture stays. Revel in it here, and laugh at 'anonymous'. |
| Hello. I'm a
long-time reader, first time writer. First off, I'd like
to say, "Great website!" and pat all the guys
who had a hand in making it happen on the back. Whenever
I need anything, even groceries or Q-tips, the first
place I go to look for my necessaries is Delzinko's Dead,
Inc. Great job, fellas! Secondly, I think that DDI needs a new mascot for the new millenium. Sure, BEAR is great, but all a bear says is, "Hey, nature is great. Dig that nature." when what DDI needs is, "DDI rules all! We beat down all comers and take their mamas home for dinner and a movie!" It's like I was telling my friend Ray; I said, "Ray, when you want a car, do you take the supermarket exit on the Information Superhighway? No! You go to Yahoo.com and you type in 'car' and you go where Yahoo tells you. If you see a bear where you end up, do you buy a car from them? No! You might buy a backpack or a tent from a website sporting a bear, but you would never purchase a car from them." Third, don't worry. I've got the answer. Say goodbye to DDI BEAR; say hello to DDI ADONIS. Or just Adonis. As they say in advertising 101, don't use an animal when a hot young stud would be more appropriate. I volunteer myself for these services, so you don't have to worry about a lengthy talent search. Just call up your friend Adonis, and let's get this company cooking with gas. Adonis (Howard Chamberlain IV) PS... I included a picture for you to look at to help convince you guys. You're wonderful people. |
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| And thank you for the wonderful submission! Unfortunately, we've already invested close to four dollars in our current logo, feature BEAR. Perhaps if you'd written us two days ago, you would have squeaked into the role of DDI's masthead. As it now stands though, sorry. Not happening. Write a song about it. |
| tihs stupid page sux. your all dumb what si yuor problem ?shut upno one cares. |
| What an elegant and worldly critique of DDI. I'm glad you took the time to type all that. If you e-mail us again, we'll be more than happy to give you a position at the prestigious DDI offices. Any business establishment would kill for someone with your talents. |
| There you go. That's what the people think. If you're one of the people with thoughts, feel free to let us know. We'll ignore your ideas for as long as we can, so don't worry about a speedy response. Now: back to the Relocator? |
