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| Todd stared at the figure
rising from the ground. It was a golem, returning from
the grave to slay those who'd wronged its creators. The
golem was named Louie. Louie roared, and the ground shook
with his mighty steps. Louie's enemies trembled, sold
their property and fled the country, dragging corpses
behind them. The corpses were their ancestors; the
enemies didn't want the golem to eat them. Golems are
hungry by nature. Since Louie couldn't kill the people it'd been sent to kill, it agreed to open a bakery with Todd. Todd was very happy and he got a loan and signed a lease and they opened Muffins-Galorepalooza. They were incredibly successful because all the hipsters wanted their muffins. Then an evil man named Reginald burned the muffin store down and Louie ate Todd. Sometime before that, I guess Todd gave Louie a hug. |
| The dreaded DAC (desperate
animal clutch) is illustrated above by Todd Delzinco. His
ire has been fanned, and the ensuing conflagration will
obliterate EDH (everyone dear to him). Scan over the
photos from before. The delicate construction of Todd's
wrath has climaxed in a fierce, primal gesture, as Todd
attempts to crush the life from whoever he's in the
picture with. Look in the victim's eyes; he knows he is
soon to be long gone from this world. Are his affairs in
order? Are there people who will remember him after he is
gone? These are II (important issues). Consider myself.
If, and this is a monumental if, Todd Delzinco flung
himself at my person and locked on his DAC (desperate
animal clutch) would I be content with my life at its
conclusion? Of course! I'm JGGB (Jackson Good Gawd
Blaine). I have crushed all opposition and ravaged every
enemy who stood before me. I am a legend. Todd Delzinco
thinks he can put me down? I'm a rabid dog! I'm full of
spit, vinegar and hellfire! He thinks he can hug me to
death? He thinks his sedated gaze and silly hair are
enough to combat the raw basic furor of Jackson Blaine?
Scum! I'll rip his already dead and decaying body apart
and consume his rotten flesh to signify my total triumph
over him! Todd Delzinco? JAV (just another victim) of
Jackson Blaine's POR (path of rage). Management apologizes for Jackson Blaine's derivative conclusion. We encourage our employees to be fresh and hip and only to rip off Friends but sometimes we can't control them. They're like wayward children. |
| No, thought Todd. I
will shield Tony from Willy's wrath with my very body! He
is my friend and I will not have him taken away from me! "Hey man," said Tony, "stop touching me." "No!" Todd shouted in response. "No Tony! I'm not losing you like I lost my father and my brother and my uncle! You're worth so much more to me than a bottle of V8!" Tony frowned. He didn't know the entire story, but he decided it was best to trust Todd's instincts. Todd smelled like he lived with animals so he probably had instincts like animals. Tony was good at logic. Todd was crying and sobbing. He kept saying, "I won't lose you! Not now! Not ever!" He was very upset and determined to save his friend. His love for another person made him not-as-selfish and he had become a man like he was fated to become when he started this journey into his inner self. Todd and Tony sat in the darkness together. Then Willy showed up and shot Tony, then beat up Todd. Willy laughed at how stupid Todd was and thought I can't believe I gave this guy V8. |
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| Suddenly, Consuela appeared and
she was rich beyond belief. She had amassed a fortune
being a doctor in Costa Rica and now it was time for Todd
Delzinko to pay the piper. "Hello, Todd," said Consuela. "I am back." Todd was still heartbroken from Tony's death. He gave Consuela a hug and wept on her shoulder, tremendous sobs painfully contorting his body. "I was so happy!" Todd exclaimed. "I became a man! And now it is all gone!" Consuela shook her head and shoved Todd away. She sneered at him and hit him with a roll of bandages. Since Todd bruises like a peach, a huge welt appeared on his forehead. "Now I have a concussion!" whined Todd. What a loser! Becoming a man was the worst thing to ever happen to him. At least before he was smart enough to keep his stupid, smart-aleck mouth shut. "I made myself a promise before I went to Costa Rica," replied Consuela. She pushed Todd against the wall but before she could kill him, Willy showed up and shot him. Then Willy and Consuela got married and took over the world. Just like in American Beauty. That's my favorite movie. |
| Before when I said the golem
ate Todd, I meant Todd ate the golem. Otherwise, this
wouldn't make any sense! Todd went to the mall and walked around looking for a magical pair of pants described to him by his great-grand-uncle. Todd believed he was fated to discover these pants and then discover America. After that, he would make a lot of money in real estate, then retire to a small farm cottage in the Ural Mountains. Unfortunately, Jojo had already purchased the pants and knit them into a scarf, which she wore everywhere. Todd heard about Jojo's scarf from his mafia contacts and went to her house, where he attacked her during dinner and tried to take the scarf. In the struggle, a dollop of gravy fell onto the scarf. "Noooooo!" shrieked Todd as the gravy splattered on the pants. With a tiny pop, all the magic disappeared from the scarf. Todd sat down and ate dinner with Jojo; he had already eaten so much that he exploded with the first bite. |
| Look at Todd Delzinco's smarmy face. He wants someone to punch it in. He just stepped over the line in my eyes, and I'm going to beat him severely back over that line. It's about time somebody did. I'm glad I'm the MJ (man for the job) because I can guarantee that that little dirtbag will get everything that's coming to him. It's too bad he's dead. If I could, I would drag him back from the after-life and kill him again. I want to take all the dirtbags like Todd, toss them in a PT Cruiser and push it off a very tall cliff. Then I want to drag it back to the top of the cliff WMBH (with my bare hands) and push it off again. Graaaaarrrrahh! Damn damn damn! I hate you Todd! I don't care if you're a man, you're dead and it doesn't matter and I hate you so much it feels like my eyes are going to burst! Die die die damn damn die damn! Damn! |
So there you go, kids! A happy story about Todd Delzinko overcoming his inner child and becoming an adult, just like you'll have to do someday (but not too soon, I hope!). Remember: always be true to yourself. If you're yourself, you're cool and everyone will like you! Whatever. It's illusions like that that stand between you and becoming an adult. Get to work on it. Don't be like Todd and become a man and then die. That's not making good use of your time. Neither is reading this webpage, though, so go somewhere productive. Not the front page; more like here.
