Boy, Todd sure is lazy, huh? But that's good for us because, while Todd Delzinko is sleeping, we get to play with his webpage! Doesn't that sound like fun? It sure is. Why take drugs when you could design webpages? It sure doesn't make sense to me! Todd has an adopted son named Fritz and it is Fritz's job to take care of the website while Todd is dead to the world. In between bribing government officials, Fritz told us this: "It sure is great to be able to work on a webpage. I feel like the little engine that could and did! It is so exciting and the world is full of so much fun that I can't understand why anybody would do drugs or steal dead bodies to fornicate with. The sky's the limit!"

Here is a funny picture of Fritz taking a nap, just like Todd! What else do Fritz and Todd have in common? They're both boys. They both bathe once a month because hygiene is very important in the Delzinko family. Do you know what hygiene is? It's what separates us from the Middle Ages and the savages in the world. Without hygiene, there wouldn't be an America or a Canada or a Venezuala or anything! The world would be a big ball of dirt. Ask your parents about hygiene. Or, better yet, find out about biology and, because biology and hygiene are kind of the same thing, hygiene here. Then you can show your parents who *really* wears the pants at the dinner table, just like Fritz used to before Todd took a dirt nap. Fritz has all the toys he wants and a private yacht. Don't you want to be like Fritz?

Here is a very important story about Todd. It deals with some very important ideas and you should talk to your parents about what it taught you:

"One time there was just one cookie in the pantry. I wanted the cookie and Todd wanted the cookie, but how could we decide who would get the cookie? First we tried to play chess for the cookie, but Todd was losing and he knocked the chess board over. Then we played tag for the cookie, but we could never figure out who won. Finally, I had a great idea! We would share the cookie. I took a knife and cut it in two and gave one piece to Todd and ate one piece myself. Everyone was happy. I dropped Todd's piece on the ground but he was so wasted that I doubt he could even taste anything! Ha ha ha."

-- Fritz Morcheeba Delzinko

If only everyone could get along like Todd and Fritz used to. The world would be a much better place, I think, and if every guy was like Todd Delzinko, I might finally get a date. If everyone was like Todd Delzinko, we wouldn't have any traffic or scary movies or broken arms because Todd was too dumb to drive a car and too ugly to be in movies and he didn't have any arms. It is too bad he is asleep.

Fritz has lots of pages for you and your family to explore. If you click here, you can learn about biology. If you click here, you can read a story about Todd Delzinko. It is called Todd Delzinko Becomes a Man. It is full of surprises and lessons in life. Lessons about life can only take you so far, though, so we also have a special feature designed to help you talk to your child about death: Mommy, what happened to Todd?

Here is a funny man's head:

Here is Fritz's Secret Message Book. Just leave a message for Fritz and he will read it and laugh. It is just like being a spy:

Leave a Secret Message (customer service department) View Secret Messages