Okay, we're coming clean. Delzinko's Dead Inc. is bankrupt. We have no money left. Last week, Jimmy House had to pay for his morning pineapple pizza out of his own pocket.
However, unlike every other wannabe Internet company, we're not going to give up and die. We've got some of the brightest people who used to live in the gutter and we're going to use them to revitalize the company. We may have been born in the Big Bang of tech stock trading, but we refuse to succumb to the inevitable compression and collapse of that fabled financial universe. We're going to dig deep and exploit Todd Delzinko for ever dollar he's worth.
We've identified part of the problem: Sure, we were exploiting the deceased for a quick buck, but we were doing it on the Internet. The Internet is, as we all know, full of nerds. What we need to do is exploit Todd in the mainstream media, away from the untouchable (and unprofitable unless your selling games or software or products) social strata that compose the World Wide Web. To that end, we've picked our three best and brightest to determine how to best approach this new endeavor. Here's the official announcement from DDI CEO and King of the Mongooses Fritz Morcheeba Delzinko:
| "Hello. First, I'd like to apologize for not returning your calls or memos. The statement that I made to Mr. Gallant which went something like 'you can't tell me what to do I already have your money' has been retracted privately and now publicly. Now, rather than continue to sound the death knell of Delzinko's Dead Inc., I'd like to announce a bold new policy. We're taking three of our top minds and assigning them the task of generating new revenue sources. I believe that this policy of employee actualization will separate us from the numerous Internet companies that failed recently. We're encouraging innovation by rewarding proactivity, and that can't go wrong. The three top employees selected are already well known in the industry; their potential when freed from bureaucracy is unlimited. They are Annabelle Sapulpa Targon, vice-executive Jimmy House and Televar the Deluded Sycophant, who is returning to us from a brief prison stint. Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for my afternoon nap. |
Wow! I can see the dollar bills now! Here are the web-based proposals each member of the DDI Actualization Team assembled:
