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Q4 2001: Cashing In and Fritz Delzinko is dead! (not really. We were going for shock with that)

Q3 2001: Orangehead and Zombie Todd

And we all couldn't be happier. You see, delzinko.tripod.com has the very special distinction of maintaining a 'one per every four years' rate of visitation, which is the sort of exposure we need to make our business take off. Since the ownership of this free Tripod site passed to the nearest relative of Mr. Todd Delzinko, we appointed Fritz Morcheeba Delzinko, Todd's 11 year old adopted houseservant, to our board of directors. Fritz, shown asleep at a board meeting directly below, had this to say, "Todd Delzinko didn't realize what he had in his webpage. Instead of pursuing a direct course of commercial proactivity, Todd shopped his allotted free web slot around to his loser friends, some of whom we believe to have been made up. Now that the old slavedriver is dead, I plan to use my own synergy equilibrium strategies to advance the economic interests of myself and my associates here at Delzinko's Dead, Inc."

In between examining bitterly contested plans of commercial advancement, Fritz Morcheeba Delzinko, adopted butler and houseservant of the deceased Todd Delzinko, stops to take a nap. Due to his uncanny resemblance to Woody Harrelson, Fritz never consents to inclusion in pictures and so all photos are of him sleeping and resemble one another exactly.

To confirm the death of Todd Delzinko, we contacted his close associate, Chad Waddell. Unfortunately, Chad Waddell recently passed on as well, so we took our first proactive step and fabricated this account of Todd Delzinko's death:

"When the building collapsed, we all thought Todd was done for. I could hear his shrill, animal-like wail pierce the night sky in a rancorous lament of a life wasted, of time squandered. The tumbling wreckage soon drowned out even this cry from the belly of the beast, however, and I turned away thinking this story was done. Then, a lone figure emerged from the dust; it was Todd! He stumbled slowly towards me, his body mangled, his indomitable spirit the only thing that kept him going. I froze, thinking a spectre from Beyond approached me. Todd laboriously staggered away from the debris of the structure that had tried to steal his life from me; even at a distance, you could make out a look of triumph and strengthened resolve on his face. He had walked through the Valley of the Shadow of the Collar of the Hound of Death and he had come out a superior person. I nodded my acquiescence across the road, letting Delzinko know I would stand by his side and help him fight off the Evil Space Goatfish who sought to yoke our world to their iron will. Like two Old West outlaws, we would face down our enemy with our wits and our trusty revolvers alone, even though both Todd's hands had been cut off by a discontent elevator the week before. Nonetheless, the world was being given new heroes, bred for the new millenium. I looked at my watch, to mark the momentous occasion's time to the half-second, and when I looked up, a bus full of singing nuns had run over Delzinko."

-- Chad Waddell

Right after I spent an hour writing that, I received a message from Dr. Elric Gaylon that clarified exactly what had happened to Todd Delzinko; to begin with, he was only braindead (luckily, ownership of the website still switches over to Fritz in the case of braindeath). The details, told by Elric, go like this:

"At exactly 11:34 AM, all activity in Todd Alabastard Delzinko's brain stopped. The degenerative neural affliction that lead to this state of affairs was most likely the result of a large drug regiment that had apparently grown exponentially over the course of the past several weeks. Todd Delzinko was apparently a webmaster of some sort, and he required the drugs to fulfill the duties resulting from his position. At 11:35, I apprehended a paramecium that appears to have eaten Delzinko's last four brain cells, but it bit me and got away in a giant robot. Currently, and for the foreseeable future, Todd Delzinko is a vegetable. Fortunately, the ad revenue from his 'web-site' will pay his expensive medical bills, as I have been informed by Todd Delzinko's nearest kin Fritz Morcheeba Delzinko, who has two z's in his name."

-- Dr. Elric Gaylon

Now that we have resolved the death issue, there are a few administrative concerns to be addressed. Due to contractual obligations initiated by Todd Delzinko in relation to this website, we cannot delete the various other organizations and entities currently housed here; we will move them here to comply with the contracts. Don't look for updates anytime soon!

Currently Delzinko's Dead Inc. doesn't provide any service or sell any product. All we have are the pictures used by Todd Delzinko himself, so we will just reuse them until our company can afford a scanner or photo scanning service of some sort. For more details on Delzinko's Dead Inc. along with reactions to the sudden death of Todd Delzinko, click here for the Rerouting Network Location Allocator Page.

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And now, despite these most grim circumstances, DDI must ask: Are they really dead?